Dialogue with My Murderer

Editor’s Note: Latest research shows that nearly 1000 Pakistani women and girls are murdered every year for allegedly defaming their family’s honor. The statistics highlight the growing scale of violence suffered by many women in Pakistan. Despite progress on better protecting women’s rights, activists say the government needs to do more to prosecute murderers in cases largely dismissed by police as private, family affairs. What hurts the most is that some victims were raped or gang raped before being killed, according to Human Rights Commission of Pakistanannual  report. Who killed them? The answer might be more shocking because most of the women were killed by their brothers and husbands. Only 20% of the victims were provided medical aid before they died. We women don’t deserve this treatment from the men, who came in this world through a woman. The reason for highlighting this issue is not to bring disgrace to Pakistan but to educate the youth and bring awareness of this illegal tradition internationally. “According to Navi Pillay, the United Nations high commissioner for human rights, there are 5,000 instances annually when women and girls are shot, stoned, burned, buried alive, strangled, smothered and knifed to death by fathers, brothers, sons, uncles, even mothers in the name of preserving family “honor.” Ms. Pillay has rejected arguments that such family violence is outside the conceptual framework of international human rights.” (NYT 2010)

This blog is written by our guest writer and its based on a true story and every emotion portrayed in it are true and full of pain. I personally believe there is no honor in honor killing its only HORROR, the horror of being killed, the horror of defaming your family name, the horror of not being accepted by the society and the horror of being a human being just for once.

I am Bano. My mother used to call me Pari (Fairy). I was the only baby girl of my parents. I was killed by my uncle. My father was supposed to kill me but he didn’t have the courage, so he asked my uncle for the favor. I was killed in the honor of my family’s good name which I destroyed. My grave is in my village, I was killed on Eid day (means “Feast” and refers to the occasion itself), and I was buried in my Eid dress. My father visits my grave in dark so that no one sees him. My mother she never visits my grave, she can’t make it.

My life in the world was not so good. The style of parenting I received made me a girl with low self-esteem. I was never a strong and confident person. My father’s lack of contributions and engagement in my life made me find alternate ways to relate to men. There was a void in my life, to fill that void I made wrong choice.

The only charming days were of 30 days when I had someone in my life. He used to stand in front of my school. One day he sent a cell phone through my friend. First ever gift in my life. Daily we had conversations whenever I found suitable time to talk. He promised to provide every joy of life that I was missing at my parent’s home. We never met but those snatched conversations brought new charm in my life. I considered myself one of the luckiest persons in surrounding. But turns out, that boy was a cheat. For him I was nothing but a chance to win a bet. He had bet with his friends that he will win my trust in a month. But it took him only two weeks. He celebrated that day in a restaurant where his friends enjoyed our phone call conversation which was much longer than usual timings. In that evening my father heard our conversation and I knew that he will kill me. So I left home for someone I thought will protect me, but he never showed up. My family had to kill me for this immoral act. They were supposed to kill us, but he was noting just a wrong number.

For me he was my soul mate and we are made for each other. I had blind trust and felt secure with. For him I was a just an opportunity to have fun time, a chance to win a bet. This bet turned very expensive, it did cost a life of a human being.

Bano: Father, you could have saved me.

Father: Yes may be, but I could not absorb the immense pressure of our society. I followed my tradition to save future. You brought shame and disgrace to our family. I had to sacrifice you to purify my reputation.

Father: I worked hard day and night to feed you and your siblings to give you basic necessities of life. In return you destroyed my name in society.  You left home for a person who didn’t love you at all, for whom you were just a piece for fun. Who used you and threw you. We live in a society where we can die for our due honor, you just ignored this.

Bano: It was my first youthful infatuation with wrong person. I regret it, but I am innocent, it’s just that I could not distinguish the right and wrong. I had blind trust, which I should not. My love was reciprocated. He used to compliment my beauty and for a girl of my age, I thought this is true love. I was just 17. You never talked about this, neither mother. You just sent me to school, never asked what’s going on there. Your lack of interest and affection made me feel that I am not worthy.   

Bano: How did my death save the future?

Father: Well to teach other youth a lesson that consequence of such immoral act is death.

Bano: Did this “honor killing” helped youth?

Father: No, it didn’t. Your murder was not the last one. Love marriages and such immoral acts are still there with increased ratio. Practice of “honor killing” is growing. 

Bano: Father! Are we more religious or traditional?

Father: [he keeps silent for a while and replied] we are more traditional than religious.

Bano: Yes that’s what I thought; I wish we were more religious; this would have never happened in its first place. Our religion considers me as human, who got emotions, feelings just like man. You just did care of food, home, this was never enough. My emotional, physical and psychological needs were ignored by you. In our religion man and woman are equal, but in our tradition most of the time I am only one who carries the burden of “family honor”

Father: I wish I could undo things.

Bano: Life doesn’t give second chance; we were supposed to be responsible. I would die 100 times for your honor, only if it really brings your honor back, but it doesn’t. I would forgive my killers, if this murder brings any positive impact in society but it won’t. Society is responsible for my immoral act; you are responsible of this disgrace; I was not the only guilty here.

I am Bano and my mother used to call me Pari, and this is conversation that we do when my father visits my grave, he still visits me in dark so that no one sees him.

Rahila Umer Sumalani

The guest writer was a Fulbright scholar in Fall 2009. Currently she is working as Assistant professor in Baluchistan University of Information Technology, Engineering and Management Science, Quetta. She got her MS degree from The University of Georgia, Athens, USA.

DISCLAIMER: The names and places has been changed to hide the identity of the victims. The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of Illinois Institute of Technology.